活在自己的外表下

「活在自己的外表下」這句說話很奇怪吧，不是所有人都叫妳「別活在自己的外表下」嗎？

Everyone told us we shouldn’t be limited with how we look, no?

我曾經是患嚴重「討厭自己」的病人。

現世代的女生很難當，活在大眾的眼光下，那「美」的標準高得不容許半分的差距。假如你像我一樣，也是個完美主義者，也許常常也會問自己同一堆問題：
「我有沒有看起來肥了一點？」
「我的皮膚太差嗎？那暗瘡有沒有太搶眼了？」
「天啊，我的髮形是想怎樣⋯⋯怎麼每一天也是Bad hair day。」
「（滑Instagram的同時）我也想好像她線條那麼美，今天的晚餐不吃好了⋯⋯」

我不知道社會的標準從何時開始變成這樣，廣告、社交媒體上充斥著完美無瑕的臉孔。一模一樣的審美觀，也讓我曾經在路上迷失過。是的，幾年前的我也拼命的做運動和節食，為了看上去、照片拍上去不用再美圖修瘦一點，也不用去除臉上那過多的斑點。為了迎合大眾，為了迎合潮流，為了自己喜歡上自己，明明沒有吃過早餐也會去街上跑個五公里，每次也快要頭暈的倒下、明明背就痛得不得了，也會迫自己做Sit up。

身材瘦了、比例好了，得到的稱贊也漸漸多了。社交媒體上發的照片也愈來愈多人留意，因為我替自己做了一個「健康」的形象——我做運動、我吃得健康、早睡早起。每個人也喜歡這個看上去清爽、有型的女生。是的，我也喜歡這個我塑造出來的自己。可是，我卻受飲食不協調而困擾。日復日，看著自己在磅上的磅數愈來愈低，我像上癮了的感覺。

直到有一天，我再看不過眼自己「造」出來的自己。我得到幾多人的追隨，得到幾多人的喜愛，有令我對自己感覺好一點，愛自己多一點嗎？

I used judge myself a lot, like all day, everyday.

You cannot imagine how difficult it is to be a woman. We are all being judged by media and society, the “passing line”, the standard of being beautiful, is always hard to reach, almost impossible to fulfill. If you are a perfectionist like me too, maybe these questions will always be on your head:
”Do I look fat? Because I ate too much in the last holiday?”
”Why I always having such an acne-prone skin?”
”My hair looks horrible…”
”Why is she so skinny? I’d better skip the dinner tonight… (while looking other’s profile on instagram)”

I have no idea why this standard becomes so normal nowadays (or even for decades, already). And yes, I’ve had lost myself in this journey of “Pursuit of Perfection”. Back to few years ago, I ate little and I kept on exercising every single day - not because I love working out, but it is for another hidden reason - I don’t have to photoshop myself in computer anymore in order to look tiny and thin in pictures. I thought it was the meaning of perfection, I thought if I look perfect, I would be happy. I forced myself to run 5km every morning even before breakfast, kept doing sit up even I was suffering from back pain… I thought by having such discipline, I would had the control over my body, and my happiness. That was me, 4 years ago.

And after just two months, I started losing a lot of weight. And then… the pictures I post on social media got more likes, and I gained quite an amount of followers too. Seems that everyone loves a sporty, healthy girl with a “well-balanced” life. However, the truth was I am suffering from eating disorder. Seeing the dropping numbers on the weighting scale everyday, I was totally addicted to this feeling of “controlling & regulating” myself.

Until one day, I couldn’t accept this anymore.
No matter how many followings I gained, how many likes I got - I didn’t feel happier. Deep inside, I knew something was wrong inside me… I didn’t know how to stop judging myself. My heads were full of judgements and negative emotions that I couldn’t let go. I don’t know how to start loving myself.

But I wanted to change.

我開始看很多不同女生的語錄或是文章。我開始明白，要懂得愛別人，先要學懂怎樣愛自己。對自己再不要太苛刻，要懂得欣賞自己。我也開始接觸宇宙的世界觀。明白到，想要得到一樣東西，先要讓自己知道自己的目標和想法，宇宙才會安排你想要的事情發生。而最重要的，是懂得愛自己，要和自己好好相處。

現在去上一課瑜珈課，是因為可以令內心平靜下來；去行山、呼吸新鮮空氣，是因為讓身體吸收自然養份。做這些事，是為了讓自己愛自己多一點。每每在躍動、流下汗水的一刻，我感到實在的快樂，那不再是來自磅上的數字跳動。

依然愛發社交媒體上的照片，是因為，我發現，沒有其他的事比可以影響到別人來得更有滿足感和快樂。（現在還寫專欄和出書了！）如果你下次在鏡子前嫌棄自己、想餓自己的時候，會記起我的文字，那對我來說，就是莫大的成就和快樂了。

雖然，踏入二十八歲了的我最近開始受身體一點點的小老化（像新陳代謝開始變慢、臉上的色斑開始愈來愈多等等）而影響。但在擦保養品的同時，我清楚意識到我擁有了年月給我的經驗、歲月給我的啟發，而這些一點一點，也讓我變得更為動人。

So I started reading. Reading a lot of online articles, quotes about self-care & self-love. I started questioning myself where do these negative thoughts come from, and observing them one by one, passively acknowledging it. I started to understand I have to heal myself through self-love, before I could know how to care for others. The more I know about spirituality, the more I believe in the law of attraction. I started to find my goals, understand my thoughts, witness my emotions. Most importantly, I started practicing self-care and self-love…

Now, when I practice yoga, it is because it calms me and remind me of love & compassion; when I go hiking, it is because of the fresh air and to relax the body. I move because I love my body and honour it. Every time I feel my heart beating and sweat dropping, I am thankful for being alive, being able to walk on earth. And, the true happiness comes. My emotions no longer affected by the fluctuation on scale. I am free.

I still love posting pictures on social media, writing for blog & magazine and even published a book last year. Being able to spread positive messages, share inspirations with others, bring me the biggest satisfaction and happiness. If… next time, when you are judging yourself in front of the mirror, and thinking if you should skip meals, and suddenly think of my story, and remind yourself to drop any judgements - that would bring me tremendous joy.

Although I am now approaching 29 and I begin to notice some changes on my body (slower metabolism, more and more freckles on the face, etc.). However, I clearly know that they are simply a sign of maturity and wisdom, and that makes me more beautiful too. I accept what it is as it is.

「別活在自己的外表下」，說的冠冕堂皇，但真正能做到嗎？我就未有這修為了。更實際一點的，定義你個人專屬的「好」，然後透過改善生活的細節去令自己變得更好（別只在模仿，要真心相信和實踐）；別讓外來的標準去判斷「不好」，也接受那些你眼裡不好（這是困難的我知道）。只有這樣，當你即使「活在自己的外表下」，也能找到自身的美好，就這樣，人類最強的美麗就出來了——那叫自信！

要記得，學懂欣賞自己的美麗吧，因為世界上就只有你一個，獨一無二的存在。有一句張國榮的在演唱會上說過的話，我一直放在心裏，常常提醒自己——

「人最緊要既就係，你懂得點樣去愛人之外⋯⋯最緊要既，係你識得去欣賞你自己。」

“Don’t define yourself by how you look.” It sounds nice, but how can we really pursuit it in everyday life? It might be hard, but you start from shifting your mindset, changing your thinking habits - try not to make judgements because of the outside standard, don’t engage the negative thoughts, simply observe… Witness where did these thoughts come from, and slowly you will know it is all coming from LOVE, because you want to be a better version of yourself.

Remember, learn to see and admire how beautiful you already are. Because you are the one and only one, the most special human being on this earth.
Treat yourself as you treat others; love yourself as you love others.

LOVE,

CHARLOTTE